Any man who just read that title already knows this method. In fact, they are probably laughing quietly to themselves, and thinking about that time(s) they took the ol' moped out for a spin. Confused ladies?

gentleman, start your engines, ready, set, read more!

There is an old joke about certain girls who are lackluster in the looks department, but shine through on other points. They are like a moped, real fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see you on one.

Guys, before you start howling, "There is no method, they are just waiting for a good old fashioned stretching of the gristle ring" stop now. That's not true. You see, the moped isn't always the fat chick. And the fat chick isn't always desperate. (Just like belgian beer doesn't always taste good. Just usually.)

In fact, the standards of most of the "butter" type girls (she has a really hot body, but 'er face....) are still reasonably high. Then why is so easy to nail them? Simple. We aren't trying as hard to get them in bed, so we are able to provide them with a more accurate representation of ourselves. And while it may be a lot less polished and clean, it's honest, and it doesn't set off their bullshit detectors.

The Method? Well, there really isn't one per se. In fact, if you have problems nailing the fat/fugly/butter chick, you need more help than I can offer. This article is going to be more of a guideline of what to do once you have nailed her.

First and foremost (and believe me, if anyone has screwed this up repeatedly, it's been me) never make any false promises like "i'll call you" "I really like you" or "you look hot" . The reason this girl is the moped is because you didn't want to be seen with her. In fact, you probably won't even at admit to doing her. Did it ever occur to you that most guys will feel the same? Did it ever occur to that if most guys are like you and unwilling to hang out a second time (unless really trashed and desperate themselves) that this girls social calendar and dance card are both very empty? And if there are no other men to occupy her time, then she has just that much more time to occupy YOURS?

So don't lie. In fact, be vague at best. And never leave her your cell number. And if you have to leave a number, make sure it's one without a machine (embarassing messages that are accidentally played by room mates...), but back to step one, don't lie about your number. If she can never reach you at the number you gave her, she will track your ass down and harass you to no end. And don't give her your mobile number for christs sake, the moment she realizes that's a cell and you can be reached at all times, that shit be ringing off the hook, yo.

Always let your wild side out, but on a leash of sorts. What I am trying to say is: Be a freak in the sack, after all, this is dirty sex, but don't get all R. Kelly and shit, because then you will develop a rep and the girls you are willing to show off we steer clear of you. This also goes for treating her like a piece of fuck meat. You don't have to be don juan, but don't totally fuck and run. You need to make sure that on some level she got what she came for. Again, ugly chicks have hot friends, and women can't keep their mouths shut about anything when they are out in the pack. You will have no secrets.

If you are ever caught by one of your friends, don't lie. At least, not completely. While it might be gut reaction to deny, deny, deny; this will only add fuel to fire. After all, if your friend was hitting it with shamu, wouldn't you feel obligated to prove it and expose him?

No, the truth will set you free. Even if it's not the whole the truth. "Dude, I was drinking, and horny, and she was pretty nice, and it turns out, she was a FREAK in the sack! And besides, it's not like you've always had trophy kills...remember that <insert his own less than noteworthy conquest> girl? Didn't you say she was the best romp of your life? (of course he did!)" From this point on you should be safe.

What to do if the hot friend catches you: Ignore it. Say nothing. Don't confirm nor deny. Play dumb. And starting looking for someone else to do, because you're chances with the hot friend have gone down. The only chance you have is your silence has left her wondering about you. If she isn't operating on solid knowledge, she may chalk it up to a bad tip, and let you off the hook. If she is 100%, she may chalk it up to a gentleman never tells. But the moment you start lying and playing it down you are completely sunk, and you need to remove yourself from the clique as quickly as possible, because you stand no chance with any of them (save the moped) or with anyone they come in contact with.

Assuming the sex is good, she isn't crazy, can keep a secret, her friends aren't talking (they of course know, never believe otherwise), your friends don't know, you are in moped heaven. You have reached that great plateua where everything is cool, and you are getting your regular ass. The only thing to watch for (assuming this goes on for more than a few encounters) is the inevitable Moped breakdown.

Handling the breakdown: You will never ever be able to talk her out of "hanging out with you", and there is only so long after the breakdown occurs that you can keep going midnight golfing. Sooner or later she will want to spend time with you outside of a motel. Probably even wants to meet your friends. Panic, alert, dive! The only graceful exit at this point is to incite a fight with her that will end with her feeling mad at you and to blame at the same time. That way she won't want to see you again, but she won't come around trying to forgive you either. Truth be told this is impossible and no matter how hard you try your friends will always find out.

In fact, ignore everything I have said. Go out of town to do ugly chicks at the very least, and if you really have to do a hideous chick, remember that a field, a shovel, and lime are all good things to have handy, and it's easier to beat a murder rap then dodge your friends.