Announcements, revelations, and other things that sound really important follow.

And it's about morning wood.

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Like most men, I have morning wood. Every morning. Or nearly so. And like most men, I occasionally feel obligated to take matters into my hands and disarm my member. But I have a serious bitch with the whole morning wood phenomenom. It's a hollow victory.

You see, the morning stiffness most men feel in the most sacred of muscles is nothing more than a combination of our bodies internal diagnostic routine and a heavy bladder. Sexual arousal has virtually nothing to do with it. The thing is that when men (or at least me) wake up with a flesh covered piece of granite daring them to attempt to take that first leak, they feel like I should whack it. I mean, it's the least we can do, after all my tadger took the initiative to rise to the occasion, and I, unlike some women, won't shaft the poor fellow.

"But men (and you) have repeatedly sworn that jerking off is the greatest gift god ever gave men (right after titties, of course)! What gives?" While this is true, as I mentioned (I am told this may be known as "foreshadowing") it's a hollow victory. You see, rather than have a stimulus (like that girl at work with the huge cans) or a reason (boredom) there is no reason to yank one off. In fact, it's a bit like being held hostage, because it's the only time we jerk off that we (consciously) make first contact. And more depressing is the fact that the morning wood polish is never as gratifying as the others.

But, what to do? Even if we don't deflate his ego, we might have to hang out in bed for, oh, a minute or so (probably well less time than we need to reach climax, but who said we were reasonable). And no self-respecting man (unless he lives with his wife or just his girlfriend, with no children) is going to walk around a house with other inhabitants sporting his AM probe. Christ, what if a room-mate saw you? A sibling? Your children for gods sake? The horror sends the mind reeling.

And christ, women will never understand why men miss the bowl until they understand the breadth of the morning wood problems. Ask any guy how close he can stand to the bowl and still get every drop of urine in, WITH an erection. Most guys, I would wager, stand as far away from the bowl as flow force permits trying desperately to think about baseball before they hit the shower.

Why before the shower...well...it's warm, and there is soap...and well you get the picture. So let's review the problems men face:

1. Are penis is hard, and we have a pavlovian response to go for an orgasm in that situation.
2. Erection concealment puts men in a state of def-con 3, and we must immobilize until we can be certain no one else will catch sight of our tent.
3. The big "O" is pretty blase in comparison to our other self induced orgasms (due to the false pretenses it showed up under)
4. Peeing is a bitch.

In short women, go on. Complain about cramps once a month (although I am sure some of you bitch about it every two weeks....I just can't remember to mark it on the calendar). We have to deal with a much large inconvenience every single morning. At least you get to blame things on "that time of the month" and complain to your girlfriends. Guys can discuss this with no one. Hell, even gay men have an unspoken oath forbidding them from discussing it. 

There is one silver lining to all this, but most women miss out on it. That erection may be here under false pretenses, this is true, but it's still a fully functioning piece of meat. If you take care of it once and a while, you have just made our day and taken away that pain in the ass.

I'm insensitive to your suffering a week a month? When was the last time you put yourself in my shoes and blew me awake?

Also, this wasn't funny, but damnit, I had to write something.