Do you know what love is? Yes? Read the official Freezerpants guide to "What is love" and see just how wrong you are.

Click read more or the gerbil gets it So just what is love? It's a pretty complex wildly intangible thing that no one seems to able to agree on.

For some, love is being with someone who is going to "make you happy even when they make you miserable". For others it's simply finding someone to go back to after you make them hit you, repeatedly, with a beer bottle.

While these things can all factor into love, here is what love really is:

Being able to do some fucked up shit without them getting mad.

To help you along, we have provided some examples of what does and doesn't represent love, and then provided analysis as to why that means "love"

Assuming you are a male:
You attend a wedding with your girlfriend. You get drunk, obnoxious, and proceed to have drunken sex with her on the golf course in plain sight, before blowing your load on her nice dress, returning to the reception and telling everyone (loudly) about it. The next morning she is still speaking to you.

There are a lot of things going on here, lets break it down:
First, you attended a wedding with her. Now any guy will tell you that a good wedding is bunk, but a good reception is the SHIT. What makes it love is the fact that you are willing to attend a reception with a girlfriend. This is a clear testament to your committment, because everyone knows the point of a reception is to get drunk as hell and hit on all the brides maids / second cousins from out of town.

Deceptively enough, doing it on the golf course doesn't signify love, this only shows that she is a freak (or at least a freak on the inside) Nothing more, nothing less (although it's hard not to love a good freak...)

As for you running your mouth about slamming her with your 5 wood before her dress encountered a semen hazard, again, not love. All that means is that you were drunk, and if bitch has a problem with that, it's time for "re-education" when you get home..

Finally, she still talks to you the morning after. Well, this is a hard reaction to measure, as there are a lot of variables. First off, depending on how mouthy she is (see re-education) that could be a lesson learned. Or it could be the inner freak (Next stop: display window bukkake!). But it probably means love, or at least something close enough to it to keep nailing her.

Next up, assume you are a female:

Your boyfriend pushes you to be a kinky ho that you never imagined. In fact, he even surprised you with a giant dildo for your birthday, and follows up with a threesome for Christmas. Sometimes he even embarasses you by pointing out "those mean dick sucking lips" to his buddies. And while you never liked it in the pooper, every time he gets a little drunk he starts lubing you up and poking out the brown eye with his little finger.

The first thing you will notice is that all of this is sexually related. Why you might ask? Because women can never decide if they love a man, and when they do it's ALWAYS for the wrong reasons. The only way a woman should decide if she loves a man iis by determining if he loves her. What's the best way to do that? Sex.

Let's analyze the example. The first step in a man loving any woman is being comfortable with her. In fact, some might even say allowing himself to be vulnerable. By buying the dildo he is admitting that try as he might, there is going to be a time or three (when the webcam is secretly on) that he can't please you. He is showing his weakness while acknowledging his own faith in you, he is unafraid of the dildo taking his role.

Speaking of security, the threesome shows that he is secure in the fact that he can bring a hot ass flight attendant into the bedroom with you with no concern that he will love you less after seeing you lick those massive swedish stewardess jugs. Faith is a big factor in that. But so is pride, which also ties into the threesome, and in turn, his desire to show you off to his friends.

And while ackward at first, take every time you hear him say "Man...that girl can suck a watermelon through a garden hose" as "I love you.", which is what he is really saying. The door that swings both ways in this one is the butt pounding. Make no mistake, a man will always try and do you in the butt at some point, but how he does it is the important part. If he uses no lube, or a little natural lube (heh) and just crams his schwanson into the out chute...it isn't love, it's anal banging time.

But, the fact that (in our example at least) he uses real lube and starts off with his little finger before stretching you out like erotic silly putty, that CLEARLY shows that he really loves you.

Make no mistake though, our example is not without pitfalls. If you refuse to do a threeway (with him and another girl), refuse to give him frequent head, or never let him park it in the rear, the odds that he loves you are pretty slim. I mean, seriously, do you really think a guy could ever love someone that uptight? I think not...

Now on your knees bitch, I'm about to profess my undying devotion...