We here at freezerpants realize that without our ever informative (albeit rare) guides, some people wouldn't know which shoe to tie first.

To eliminate embarassing mistakes on that "Special day" (like the first two times weren't) we bring you the freezerpants guide to gettin' hitched

click read more before the baby is a bastard So, despite your best efforts, you are getting married. According to Pope Jean Luis Roundtree the XVIIth, marriage can be one of the happiest miseries you will wish upon your friends. Or some junk.

"But the idea seems like so much fun!" You say. "What would you know about marriage, you don't even have a girlfriend!" You chime. "I swear to god if those pictures ever get back to my grandfather, I am killing you" I reply. Or. well . At any rate.

It seems people feel obligated to get married because it's "what you do." As near as I am able to tell, there is no social benefit to actually being married. No benefit that hasn't been artificially been created by the married suckers, at least.

For example, the "couples only" retreats. It seems that these cater to married couples only. Why? Because when you haven't put a ring on her finger you are allowed to go to the bar at will and bitch to your unmarried (smart) friends about how bad she sucks in bed. Once you are married, you need permission from the missus to go and bitch to other guys in the same boat about how dumb it was to get married. In order to recieve this permission, she has to be able to spend a shit load of your money, get her nails done, and conspire with the other wives against us men. AKA a "couples only retreat"

Err...I digress. If you are reading a guide to being married, I suppose there is no point in talking you out of it. Fuck, and now I have used up all my space.

The (abbreviated) Freezerpants Guide to Marriage

You are always wrong, she is always right. No matter how right she makes you think, You still lose.

Unless she is a chef/good culinary student, you will either have to do the cooking yourself or suffer through it until grammas meat loaf kills you 30 years from now.

A perk of marriage is that once you are newlyweds (in most circumstances) you can do her in the butt. Don't wait too long, it's a small window.

Most laws assume that you did her in the butt, and as compensation, when she catches you cheating on her, she gets half. At least.

You will hate yard work for at least a year. Until you discover that it keeps you outside, and her mouth inside. You will love it forever, and understand old man jenkins obsession with his crabgrass

If you have less than three televisions in the house, you can forget watching sports, ever. She will follow you from tv to tv, so you will need several tuned into the same station. Unless you have friends over, then you get peace. Until they leave.

The government understands that you will lose most of your paycheck to your wife. To show that they "understand" they will offer you a tax break if you and your wife have children. This is a trap. The only winners here are the government and your wife. Who both get to take more money in the end. And your wife gets to bitch, more. If that was possible.

To recap: Doing your wife in the butt as quickly as possible after getting married, trade in shitty wedding gifts for as many lawn tools and tvs as possible, never have children, learn to cook, and self induced pavlovian "yes dear" responses == Happy marriage.

congrats to Mr & Mrs Brinton, who will never need this guide. Ever. (except for the butt thing. Seriously.)