Hi! Welcome to the internet! As you may be aware, the world of "cyberspace" is filled with amazing knowledge, fun games, and a bunch of nigerian princes.
But more importantly, Sex. Porn, adult stories, used panties, ebay... The internet revolves around sex.

And who better to answer all of your relationship/sex/backgammon questions than me? No one!

All hype aside, read on for my first letter! Dear Dr. Jones:
In the middle of sex with my girlfriend, when she's right on the edge, she slaps a thick, manly fake moustache on me and yells, "My handle's Smokey Bear, and I'm tailgrabbin' yo' ass right now!"
What should I do? Should I pander to her Smokey and the Bandit fixation or should I blackmail her by threatening to tell her mother about the time we used the wire whisk as a sex toy?
Sincerely,
"Mustachioed in Memphis"

Dear Mustachioed,

(if that is indeed your real name) I sense a lot of problems here. Let's start with your girlfriends desire to see Smokey and The Bandit climax together. First off, your girlfriend needs what I call a "RC" (reality check) timeout. The idea that Mr. Reynolds would ever fuck a cop is just flat out silly. Furthermore, it's pretty apparent that your girlfriend is one of those silly bitches that likes to turn every movie into a love story. Slap her upside the head, and force her to watch faces of death until she realizes that there is no love interest between Smokey and The bandit.
Warning! You must carefully monitor her F.O.D. movie viewing so that she watches exactly enough to stop being a silly cunt, but Before she tries to climax with you and a chainsaw!

On the topic of the whisk, this is a toughy. First off, in a normal healthy relationship, blackmail is a dirty word. Well, not so much dirty, but one that shouldn't be bandied around.

With that taken care of, should you tell your mother about the whisk? Well, that depends. Was it your whisk or her whisk?
If it was your whisk, shame on you! Your girlfriend has every right to believe that what happens in private with you remains between you. That said, if it was your mothers whisk, this is a special case.

You should tell her immediately. Not Because she has a right to know of the naughty things you have done with her whisk, but just for the look on that bats face when she realizes you have made her an unwilling lesbian/perversion accomplice.

Bring a camera!

Well, my time is up. Please feel free to send your love/relationship questions, your comments, or your hatemail to DrJones@freezerpants.com or send me a private message.