So yeah, I now work in a warehouse, which as we all know is the hippest place to pick up women. As an astute observer of human behavior (when I shut my mouth long enough to see what's going on around me) I have learned much about the warehouse dating rituals.

Click read more or the mullets have won! For the few readers you who have never had the joy of working in a warehouse located in the middle of a shitty small ass town, let me first give a quick description of the populace majority.

The Women: A large percentage of these women are close to be attractive. So close in fact that if you saw them in public (which you won't, I don't think they are allowed out) You might have to do a double take. But as a slightly longer gaze at these warehouse whores (whorehouse wares?) will reveal, there is always, ALWAYS, something wrong with them.

It is not uncommon for them to be missing teeth. In fact, if they aren't missing teeth, they either have dentures, or will soon. All of them have at least 10 children, all of whom have a name that ends in -bob or -sue. If they don't have any children, it's only because the rats in their trailer carried them away.

The men: 70% of the men who work in a warehouse have a mullet. 25% of them had a mullet in recent memory. 2% of them have never had a mullet, but will just as soon as sports one. 50% of them chew. 10% of them chew and smoke at the same time. (Usually this is due to an inability to choose allegiance the Marborlo race car driver or Skoal Race car driver.) They all hunt. Anything. As long as it moves. Or at least looks like it moves. They all have a truck, or wished they had a truck, and hang their head in shame when they have to drive the "old ladies cavalier/neon/van".

Dating: Initially the dating rites seems confusing (but once you learn to filter and translate yuns, yins, y'all, and "n'at" it gets easier) Step one to landing the hot forklift driver (either sex): Go to the shittiest bar in somerset on any given night after work. Step two: Ask him/her over to watch the race on sunday. Step three: Get drunk, hitched, and pro-create thrice all in one weekend. Return to work Monday and bitch about the "ol' lady" then go hunting.

Variance: If you are under the age of 24 in a scummy warehouse, substitute steps 2-3 as follows:

Step two: watch movies rented at Giant Eagle grocery store in lieu of race. Step three: instead of getting married, date. Instead of bitching about the other, slash his/her tires (because "that there Cunt still has yur Garth Brooks CD n'at" (*actually overheard)) Sub 10 children for at least one, and tell ridiculous stories that start with "Guess what that li'l shit did yesserday..." and end with "So I leave it over at my sisters husbands mothers aunts monday through saturday, n'at"

Appealing to the opposite sex: If you are a male, you will get nowhere without a #3 race car hat. To show alpha superiority, tattoo #3 on your bicep, and proceed to rip the sleeves off of all t-shirts, wearing these every day, snow or shine. If you are a woman, get fat, go to the bar, get drunk, and everything else will fall into place.

I hope everyone finds this guide useful! Please comment on your success/failure stories when using this guide in your local shit hole warehouse!f

Stay tuned when next time we will discuss how the world appears to women vs men