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Fuck Buddy Contract

July 22nd, 2003 at 5:50PM in

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What are the rules regarding fuck buddies? Not sure? Click read more for the freezerpants guide to
The Fuck Buddy There are certain things that a fuck buddy should always do. Like Fuck. By the same token, there are certain things a fuck buddy should never do.
For your convience, I am providing an easy-to-print-out (assuming you aren't fucking stupid) list of guidelines to present to your favorite fuck buddy.


  • First off, don't call me to chat. Don't even IM me for conversation. Ditto e-mail or cute notes. The only time we should speak is in passing acknowledgement, or when one of us needs laid. End. So unless you need some dick (or pussy) Mr/s Bell, put down that fucking phone.


  • When we are done fucking, don't cuddle with me. Unless it's to get me ready for round 2 (3,4,etc). If we are done. Leave. If the sex was real good (you'll know..see below) maybe we can take a shower for the chance at a quickie. Nothing more. You're a fuck buddy, not bed buddy. (see exceptions footnote)


  • Never ever ask me if it was good for me. If you blew my doors off, I will tell you. Hell, I may even lie to you if you suck. But don't fucking nag me about it. Remember that asking this question opens the doors of conversation. If I wanted to talk to you, I would call you. (see above).


  • If we are on my bed/floor/couch/bathroom sink you are here for only one reason. Pound me harder fucking. The fact that you are in my abode does not give you extra leeway. A glass of water or even a local phone call are acceptable. Checking e-mail, making a sandwich or brushing your teeth are out of the question. In short, If I don't offer it, don't ask.


  • If you are at my house, and you are confronted by a friend/room mate/relative, and you are asked who you are. You are never, ever my girlfriend/boyfriend. You are my room mates friend, my locked out neighbor, maintenance person, fire inspectior. I don't care. I don't want you screwing up any other potential booty. Your here to fuck me, not fuck me.


  • If we don't see/talk/fuck for a while, the reason is never your damned business.


  • If I am fucking/dating/marrying someone else, that's also none of your damned business.


  • We are not friends with benefits. We are fuck buddies. My friends are allowed to hang out here with clothes on. You aren't.


  • No cute pillow talk. I am not your muffin. I can however be your fuckbeast, impaler, master, etc. Dirty talk is ok.


  • I don't care what you believe, don't say we're making love.


  • No "down the road" relationship type talk. We are fuck buddies until further notice. There is no "us".


  • Don't fucking hang out with my friends. Unless you are fucking them. Slut.


  • No hangups. Don't get pissed when I try and do you in the butt. You can always say no. I can also always boot your ass to the curb.


  • If I didn't agree to give you a ride home, don't expect one. Thats the kind of shit you should have thought of earlier.


  • Don't leave shit at my house. You aren't welcome to come retrieve it later, and I can't promise I will save it.


  • You always have the right to refuse sex, the right to refuse sexual acts/locations, and the right to get offended and leave. I also have the right to call you a slut, make fun of you behind your back, and call you when I am drunk and need a blowjob.


  • I will never harm you or put in you in harms path. That doesn't mean I won't tie you up or stick you in the butt.

    Finally, you have the right to expect that I will be held to all of the same rules, and the either of us may terminate our fuck buddy status with the other at any time, for any reason.


    Exceptions: There are exceptions to every rule. In the case of these rules, exceptions are pretty straight forward. No exception is allowed unless both parties discuss/accept exceptions prior to fucking. This is of course would be an exception to the no conversation rule, but an allowable one.
    There are certain exceptions that are also "gimmies".
    Example: If you are drunk/unable to drive, you can certainly stay at my place. Unless it's a pain in the ass for me. In which case you will be expected to (making local calls only) try and find a ride. If you can't locate a ride, at my discretion I may drive you home/let you sleep on my couch/floor. However! this does not mean you are entitled to my bed, and don't make a habit of it!

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