After a little hiatus, I am back with this summers most vital guide, How to nail babes.

Click read more and give 'er your "Oh" Face.. One of the joys of getting older is getting smarter. Actually, it really isn't about getting smarter, it's more about figuring out what doesn't work through trial and error.

So in a sense, life is much like trying to stick objects of indeterminable vegetable status in your girlfriends ass without her knowledge/permission. You decided to try something new, and through negative reinforcement (squashing your balls like grapes), you learned that not only doesn't that work, but not to do it again. This is life.

Over the years, I like most straight males, excluding a certain dave, have tried countless methods for getting women in bed. After many years of tireless testing, and through observation of my fellow field scientists, I have realized there is no "sure fire" way to do it. So cancel that amazon.com order for "Sure fire ways to nail babes as written by someone other than Hanzo", because that shit is wrong.

But, that doesn't mean that all hope is lost. Oh no, there are some things that will dramatically increase your odds with getting laid.

The first thing, while easy to preach, is nigh impossible to do. Play the odds. If your sole objective is to get laid, hit on everything with a pulse. A perfect case study for this would be a Mr. Shaft. This gent has never had a problem getting laid. His secret? He talks to every girl who isn't running away. More than once. The best part about his system is that he talks to so many girls, that by the time he gets around to the same girl, its like a whole new meeting! Thats right folks, talking to every girl repeatedly and forgetting who they are five minutes after first contact is a sure fire way.

Of course, the major flaw in this system is the amount of ugly/fat/ugly-fat chicks you will nail. But at least you're getting booty.

This next practice comes courtesy chuck, who has proven and re-proven that this simple act will up your chances. When conversing, especially while drunk, refer to her as "sexy lady". Women love compliments. And this has got to be the best, most understated example of the perfect compliment. And here is why it works (I think). Telling her she is sexy not only strokes her ego, but it lets her know that you find her attractive, but not in the cute or slutty manners. Oh no, she is "sexy". Marilyn Monroe was sexy. Clare Danes is "cute". Betty Paige was sexy, Madonna is "slutty". She of course wants to be "sexy", because it allays her fears of being childish or trampish. Calling her a lady is simple. It says that she is graceful, mature, and elegant. Filling her head with these ideas is the best way to fill her stomach with you.

And finally, my most recent discovery, that all men exlcuding me apparently already knew.

Shut Up.

Yes, apparently all you really have to do to nail some babes is show enough interest in her that she is willing to engage in some sort of conversation/chit-chat with you. Once the two of you have made contact, say something that is better than bland, at least remotely interesting, and doesn't require too much more conversing on your part, and then Shut Up.

I noticed a trend with a certain (recent) room mate. Women dig his shit. Now realizing that his great charisma and nice physique couldn't possibly be factors in his magnetism, I had to figure out what it was about him. Then I realized, he shuts up. He says precisely the right things to draw a womans interest, and invoke a decidedly one sided conversation, and then he shuts up.

As all clinical studies have proven, there is nothing more soothing to a woman than the sound of her own voice. Women love to hear themselves talk. By saying something as simple as "I love this band, what do you think about them?" You have opened the doorway to her punani, just as long as you remember to shut the fuck up. She will start immediatly telling you about this band, that band, who is cute, who rocks, etc ad nauseam. And all you have to do is interject a few monosyllabic words to show that you are not just listening, Neigh, You are INTERESTED, and she will keep talking as long as you want, and then another hour past that.

As long as you don't actually try to talk to her, thus making the conversation interactive, you should do fine. All you need to do now is worry about when to nod your head, say yes, say no, and when to complete the transaction.

Which brings me to the last thing you will ever need to know about stretching the ol' gristle ring.

You need to know when to seal the deal. Many men (such as myself) wait until the magic slut ball says "all signs point to yes" before they make their move. And this is fine, because you will have about a 90% kill/attempts ratio. The problem here is that you won't have a whole lot of kills. Why? Because women appreciate some boldness on your part, and they are really fucking dumb when it comes to telling you what they want.

So sometimes you have to see that things are going well and take the plunge. How you go about it is up to you, because in every situation it will be different, but either way, you are going to have to take the plunge. For some reason, girls think that it makes them look slutty to say "I showered and shaved today, so no odor or floss...let me prove it."

Crazy fucking bitches. So to recap:

Play the odds

Call them Sexy Lady

Shut Up

Grow balls, seal the deal.

If you follow those few rules to a "T" you will discover that your booty obtainment will increase between 200-300%, which of course works way better than that bloussant shit women throw your money away on (your tits are small, get over it!).

That is unless your name is JC.