It seems there is some crazy scams these days with wacky, "LOSE 20 Lbs and become ripped in 3.6 hours," or the pleasant, "Shit out half your liver and colon but feel great in the process," dietary suppliments. They show these before and after pics but they leave out the fact that the people in the pictures turned annorexic for the month they were on the suppliment diet. They are preying on the fact that everybody wants the be slim and/or ripped just about as much as they want Mr. Toad's wild ride. Read on for the goods. The only problem with this is, like the mulligan in golf, everyone wants the score but they aren't willing to take the shots. I also figure that most underweight or overweight people play golf (take a quick look at John Daly ... dear god lay off the pork rind and peanut butter sandwiches). For christ sakes whacking the one eyed monkey takes more energy and builds more muscle than the back 9.

So you walkinto your local GNC or Vitamin World, to each his own, and there is a circus of advertisement and a rainbow of random fucked up suppliment names that first catch your eyes. First of all you have this random crap on the shelves that has a name that sounds like it will turn you green. Then there is the stuff that is label, "Muscle Builder," and the stuff just makes your dong small and gives you heartburn. So here are 3 of the best and worst crap you can take from GNC/Vitamin World that those in most need can understand.

The BLING of the Vitamin/Suppliment world:

1. Hydroxycut - This stuff is the eagle shot from an inch deep in a fairway water trap while getting a blowjob. This new age speed is one of the best weight loss product and hang over remedies on the market. I took 3 of these babies during one of the more severe body patented hangovers. After a short stint of stumbling over a toilet with nausea, I was bouncing off the walls with my hangover gone. I also did not eat and entire thing all day, except alcohol of course.

2. Ripped Fuel - This is like a 250 yard drive by a one armed man with cerebral pulsey (its good but kinda retarded). This stuff has the same ingredients as Hydroxycut. The only problem is whoever invented this pill must have liked to ride the damn see-saw because he cut out half the the potency. This stuff will get you moving but I would recommend slamming a can of anything caffinated instead.

3. Creatine - This is a hole in one on a par 4 with no pants on. Take this stuff on a regular basis and your muscle mass will increase at an astounding rate with some lifting (yeah you gotta lift you wussy). Just look at Barry Bonds. The former Pirate looked like Chris Rock now he looks like the enourmous black guy with the one crossed eye (you know which one im talking about).

The Vitamin/Suppliment Regects:

1. Yohimbe - This is a five put from three inches. I asked the teller what this crap did and he didn't even know. First of all the stuff soulds like some kind of greeting for gangbangers from India. Second, after a bit of research, the stuff is a sexual enhancer for middle aged men. I figured out how the stuff works too. I causes insomnia for upwards of 30 hours. After being awake for 30 hours I would get a hard-on because of boredom.

2. Ultra Mega - This stuff is a fart in midswing of a tee shot causing a complete whiff. From the name the stuff sound like stuff that the Incredible Hulk takes. But here is the damn things description, "Provides a delicate blend of 35 ingredients for balanced nutrition with emphasis on antioxidants, vitamins and minerals." How the hell do you use delicate to describe a product called Ultra Mega. I say we sue the bastards that made this stuff for false advertisement.

3. Dong Quai - This is a the second shot on a par 5 that you still have 350 to go. So you swing away and accidentally hit your wang and it falls off. This stuff is a chinese root taken by women for centuries (just like the wang) to regulate menstral cycles. Unless you like to do your curls limp wristed I would not even come close to this crap.

Body knows so listen.