Hello everyone. I’d like to take this time to properly apologize to all of you for my extended journalistic sabbatical. These last few months have really been hard on me.   Click Read More...

I’ve been tangled up in a few messy lawsuits, often as a plaintiff. I’m currently firmly entrenched in three legal “battle-royale”s. First of all, there’s my suit against the Pulitzer Committee. All I’m asking is that they pay my therapy bills....and maybe a few hundred grand. Is that so much to ask? I mean; it’s their fault that I’m suffering extreme mental anguish and distress. The story goes: I sent them my takeover article. They responded with a resounding “Huzzah! We love it. We’re giving the prize to you.” (not in those exact words, but close enough.) Now, they refuse to give me the award. They claim I “made it up” and that I’m “mentally disturbed.” Seriously! How can those bastards pull a complete 180 like that?! First, I’m the greatest thing since buttered toast, then they call me a raving lunatic? The nerve! Here’s the congratulatory letter they sent me. (Note: This is not doctored in any way.)  

See!? I received that glowing review of my work and naturally assumed (as any sane person would) that my Pulitzer was in the mail. You can imagine how excited I was. “My years of hard work as a journalist are finally coming to fruition.” I thought to myself. So, I wrote Mr. Bollinger back this letter:

I thought that was a rather polite and to-the-point response to their enthusiastic congratulatory letter. Apparently, Mr. Bollinger didn’t see it that way. Approximately 10 days later, every member of the board served me with a restraining order! I mean, what the hell is that!? This better be some sort of cruel “hazing” they do to every new Pulitzer recipient. But, for the moment, I’m going to draw up a lawsuit against them. Oh yeah, everyone that reads this, supply me with your name, phone number, and address so, if I need to, I can, uh....call you in as a witness. Yeah...a witness.