Do you believe that is drinking bad? Do you believe that drinking will ruin your life? Do you believe that drinking will ruin the lives of your pets?

You have obviously been taken in by the anti-drinking propaganda machine. If you want to learn about the positive side to getting drunk, read more.

From the time we enter grade school, we are bombarded with a ton of opinions that we will hopefully adopt like mindless zombies. Math is good, Reading is good, Drinking is bad, etc.

By the time we enter high-school (or college for you late bloomers) we learn that drinking is not quite as bad as they make it out to be.

Or at least some of us do. Others remain fooled by our "leaders" and "role models" (hereby referred to as the man).

So what are the good sides to drinking you may be wondering? Sure you can get real drunk and puke on your friends shoes in public. Sure you can say things that you don't mean, or would never want to say out loud. Sure you can engage in dangerous or illegal activities. Do these all sound like bad things to you? If so, you're overlooking something important. Stories.

How many times have you heard a really ridiculous story that made you laugh heartily that started with "So, I was real real drunk.." (or something to that effect)? Do you really think that someone would break into a monkeys cage in a zoo after hours, get arrested, and go to jail if they weren't drinking? NO! Booze is the enabler here. It's the key element to making a series of actions happen that will later turn into a great anecdote.

Could you imagine sitting around with a bunch of friends and not being able to regale each other with drunk stories? Without being able to reminisce on all the foolish things you have done together while on the drinks? Hell, even as a non-drinker, you have to be able to appreciate these stories.

Research statistics have shown that conversations suck 63% more when all of the people involved are non-drinkers. The number jumps to a whopping 81% if they don't even know a drinker.

Alright, so stories are a perk. What about sex? Sure there is the whole lower standards, increased risk taking stuff. But what about providing oppurtunity?

There are a whole lot of ugly people in this world that wouldn't get laid if it weren't for booze. I mean, lets be honest. There are a few girls that I have ended up with that in the hard light of day, I was a little less than proud of my catch. But to be fair, I am sure there are a few girls that were less than pleased to see me next to them as well. It all balances out in the end. This is really one of the finer points to being drunk if you stop and think about it.

For example, since we all know being drunk impairs your judgement, it then becomes a fair cop-out after a night of the nasty with the nasty. "Oh man, how could you nail her, ugh!" "I was drunk." "Oh, ok." And its completely reversible, women are just as capable. "Oh my god, like you totally did the deed with that creep from the bar!" "Yeah, but I was drunk. I thought he was Brad Pitt." "Seven Years in Tibet Brad Pitt or Fight Club Brad Pitt?" "Duh! Fight Club" "Oh, OK."

And what about depravity? (my favorite topic) How many of you women would seriously be willing to have a three way with your best friend and a guy? Guys, how many of you would be willing to have a threesome with your best friend and some chick? Alright, now answer that question as though you were drunk as hell. Changes things a bit, doesn't it.

Guys, have you ever tried to do a prudish, sober girl, in the butt? What about a drunk one? Prudes, have you ever been sober and let a guy nail you in the ass? What about drunk?  In fact, I have it on good authority that a certain Univ. Michigan student has been known to take it in the pooper whilst on the drinks. As you can see, it changes things a little bit. Opens up your mind to sexual exploration. Who knows, something you only did because you were drunk may turn into something thats fun to do sober (ie the butt).

This too makes for great story fodder, yet another bonus of random hook ups.

And lets face it, when you are drunk, you say things that you don't really mean. Or at least that you didn't mean to say out loud. And no, I'm not talking about telling the long haired male bartender that he is the most beautiful woman you have ever met. (again though, stories)

I'm talking about telling that person you've had the hots for since the dawn of time (or at least last week) how you feel. Oh sure its ackward at the time. Sure, its probably ackward the next time you see them. But..it's on the table. Now they know. Or at least they think they do. Being drunk in that situation provides you with an escape route. If they are un-receptive, you can always just say "Aww, look, I was drunk, I don't know what was running through my head. I'm not real sure why I said that, forget about it." or better yet "I said what? Oh man, I was trashed"

And its a win-win situation. If someone ever professes their love to you, and you don't really feel quite the same, but you want to remain on good terms, you can always use the "I was real trashed, I don't even remember what you said.." Thats better than a get out of jail free card! Of course, you don't have access to this if you weren't drinking.

Best yet? The random phone calls to your exes. You can finally tell that bitch/dick exactly what you think of them (or at least what you think of them when you are all fucked up slurring your words and calling your coffee table sweetie). And you know damned well that everyone loves getting calls from their drunken exes in the middle of the night yelling at them screaming profanitys.

So what do we have so far? Stories, Sexual Oppurtunity, Drunken Honesty, and the late night ex phone call.. But there is one more important facet.

More important than the aid you are providing the economy. More important than bonding with your friends. More important than meeting new people, and having the courage and a loose tongue to talk to them. Nay, the most important part is the action.

Have you ever been stone sober and taken off some/all of your clothing in public? What about screaming at random food service workers for injustices your alcohol soaked mind believes they have done you? Or what about slapping your friends in the face with still frozen game meats?

Even better than all that. The #1 reason to drink, especially to excess, is so that someday you can wake up on a strange stretch of beach, with only your pants on (nothing, nothing else), trying to figure out where you are, who you were with, and why instead of car keys, you have only a pocket full of puke. People, this shit doesn't happen unless you are on the drinks.

Seriously, this stuff is pure gold. If you will excuse me, I have to go chug a fifth of gin and call my mom.